I have pointed many times to the presence of abuse in the childhoods of many of those who struggle with substance issues but let’s put a finer point on the topic in order to gain a better understanding.

For many, the abuse happened long ago and yet these people continue to struggle day after day.  So, what is at the root of the struggle?  Every now and again Steve will talk about “beating yourself up” over something you did or said.  We all do that.  We can - every one of us - become embarrassed while thinking of something we did or said that in the present moment we see as profoundly stupid.  That embarrassment we feel in those moments is shame.  We are shamed by our own actions. 

Then there are those who, through no fault of their own, suffer from profound shame of the sort most of us could never understand.  This shame is brought about when children are forced to do thing by people in positions of power, when children are repeatedly told they are worthless, or when actions or dress or appearances are cruelly criticized by persons the child respects and looks up to.  It can also be brought about in adults as a result of domestic violence or sexual assault. 

Shame can manifest itself in countless ways.  It can interfere with all aspects of life making it difficult to make and maintain relationships.  It can cause all manner of aberrant behavior including, hostility, drug abuse, prostitution or even a need to always be right and to please everyone.   There are no hard and fast rules.

It is most important for us to understand the impact on the shame-based person.  If we put shame on a continuum, and if we think of Jesus at the end of the spectrum where there is no shame, Jesus would be a 10.  Most of us would then rank about a five.  People who live shame based lives would rank a NEGATIVE ten, and if every now and again they accomplish something to bring them up to zero or even a one or two, the next day they are back at negative ten.   This life at negative ten means these shame-based people always believe everyone else is better and they have nothing to offer. 

How then do we deal with shame-based people?  Given that they live at the far end of the shame spectrum, it is very easy to validate their own negative feelings.  What they need is honest affirmation.  We need to catch them doing things right, and validate those things about them that deserve validation, while avoiding criticism.  Jesus said it best.: Do unto others….