Shame
by John Chavez | February 18, 2012
I have pointed many times to the presence of abuse in the childhoods of many of those who struggle with substance issues but let’s put a finer point on the topic in order to gain a better understanding.
For many, the abuse happened long ago and yet these people continue to struggle day after day. So, what is at the root of the struggle? Every now and again Steve will talk about “beating yourself up” over something you did or said. We all do that. We can - every one of us - become embarrassed while thinking of something we did or said that in the present moment we see as profoundly stupid. That embarrassment we feel in those moments is shame. We are shamed by our own actions.
Then there are those who, through no fault of their own, suffer from profound shame of the sort most of us could never understand. This shame is brought about when children are forced to do thing by people in positions of power, when children are repeatedly told they are worthless, or when actions or dress or appearances are cruelly criticized by persons the child respects and looks up to. It can also be brought about in adults as a result of domestic violence or sexual assault.
Shame can manifest itself in countless ways. It can interfere with all aspects of life making it difficult to make and maintain relationships. It can cause all manner of aberrant behavior including, hostility, drug abuse, prostitution or even a need to always be right and to please everyone. There are no hard and fast rules.
It is most important for us to understand the impact on the shame-based person. If we put shame on a continuum, and if we think of Jesus at the end of the spectrum where there is no shame, Jesus would be a 10. Most of us would then rank about a five. People who live shame based lives would rank a NEGATIVE ten, and if every now and again they accomplish something to bring them up to zero or even a one or two, the next day they are back at negative ten. This life at negative ten means these shame-based people always believe everyone else is better and they have nothing to offer.
How then do we deal with shame-based people? Given that they live at the far end of the shame spectrum, it is very easy to validate their own negative feelings. What they need is honest affirmation. We need to catch them doing things right, and validate those things about them that deserve validation, while avoiding criticism. Jesus said it best.: Do unto others….
A Few Sandwiches
by John Chavez | February 3, 2012
A Few Sandwiches
The homeless ministry, “A Few Sandwiches” is not about food. Food is simply an avenue by which a conversation can be started. The ministry is altogether about building relationships. What is true for the majority of the people on the streets is they have destroyed all of the meaningful relationships in their lives and, after being on the streets for such a long time, they begin to believe nobody wants them. Once trust has been built and conversation begins to move towards the core of their existence, the people on the streets often tell me they desperately want to quit living this life but they have nowhere to go. They tell me getting clean and sober is easy but what happens next? Who is going to want them and who would hire someone with a record of drug possession and no record of work?
The biggest challenge for many of these people is boredom. They can apply for housing and can go through Hooper’s detox, but having destroyed all of the meaningful, trusting relationships in their lives, they have no support network when they move into their apartment. All alone they get bored quickly and go back out to the streets to visit with people they know. Before long they are back using again, they are kicked out of housing and find themselves, back living on the streets.
Without family support, without someone who is NOT a part of street life, they have very little opportunity to move out of that cycle of getting sober and falling back into addiction. The deck is stacked against them. This ministry is about attempting to be that surrogate, that person who can be trusted and can help navigate the path from addiction, through detox, to recovery, and hopefully into a job and active participation in society, as well as repairing broken connections with loved ones. It is a very long, slow process with absolutely no assurances the time invested is going to provide the benefits hoped for. But even if they never recover from their addiction, we have an opportunity to share Jesus.
Sorrow and Celebration
by John Chavez | January 12, 2012
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Ebonee is a beautiful child and I am thankful Steve introduced her to the congregation on Sunday. I am also thankful for Kim and for the work she does as a foster parent. We are all saddened to think about how hard it must be to give up this child she has nurtured as if she were her own, as Ebonee returns to live with her family. Homelessness
by John Chavez | November 10, 2011
I have
written in the past about Homelessness and described it as a state of mind, as
opposed to a state of being. That is a critical concept to understand,
but even more important is understanding how the state of mind came to
be. As I mentioned Sunday, generalizations can be useful in creating
understanding, but every person is different and they come with their own set
of issues. That said, the majority of homeless people have some
significant trauma in their childhood. They were abandoned, there was
sexual abuse, physical, emotional or verbal abuse and in some cases, all of the
above. These people almost always have serious substance issues too, and
they use substances in an effort to wipe away the pain they don't know how to
deal with in any other way.
Most left home when they were still kids and have been on the streets ever
since. The streets are not kind or safe and for a kid to be alone on the
streets is frightening, but in the mind of that child, the streets are somehow
safer and less threatening than being at home. Give that a little
thought. Imagine a life with people who supposedly love you, that is so
frightening that moving into a completely uncertain, cold, wet, potentially
violent world, is the better option. In that world, they find others with
similar problems who help them overcome pain with drugs or alcohol.
Of course, suppressing the pain only serves to prevent the person from moving
on and they remain stuck emotionally at the age when they experienced the
trauma. The side effect is the pain and anger needs to come out and it
does in socially unacceptable ways. I expect many of you have experienced
anger or overly aggressive behavior. When this happens keep two things in
mind:
1. It is not you at whom they are
angry
2. Be kind and respectful. Look them in the eye and state your case in a calm and confident tone, knowing that looking back at you is just a little kid trying to survive in a very unkind and uncertain world where nobody can be trusted.
When you see someone looking less than desirable, think, "Here comes Jesus
in one of His disconcerting disguises." Treat the person accordingly.
Perspectives on Homelessness - Part 3
by John Chavez | February 10, 2011
This is the final installment in this series of discussions about homelessness, and now we must ask ourselves, "how can we help?" First and foremost, I must thank this congregation for your many donations and all of the support week after week you have already provided. As I have said many times, everything gets used but, what about outreach? What is our individual responsibility to those we see around us? Jesus said, 'to whom much is given much is required,' and I don't believe he meant that in terms of dollars.
Please understand I am not necessarily advocating that you go out on the streets. If you feel led to work in that manner, then please join me on Sundays after church. Feeding an addiction is always the most important thing to someone with a substance abuse problem, and food, shelter and clothing are always last on their list. We want to support those things that will benefit that person and not feed their addiction. There is a very fine line between being helpful and enabling people. It is a very fuzzy line so, be careful. We want to help, but we don't want to make it possible for them to continue to use.
So what should we do when we come across a panhandler or we are asked for help? The two most important concepts are: be friendly, and be prepared. Remember, the homeless are people too, and a warm greeting is just as important to them as it is to you. Most likely they are going to ask you for money, and there are many schools of thought on this subject. Some will tell you to give them cash, but I believe otherwise. I always ask why they need money, and usually the answer is to get something to eat or a cup of coffee. If I have time I'll walk with them to a local sandwich shop and buy them a sandwich.
If you are interested in providing support to the homeless and have the opportunity I would invite you to carry socks and/or granola bars. If you want some granola bars to keep in your car, in your purse, or briefcase, Bridgetown Bakery has provided granola bars for the congregation to take. These granola bars are for the needy and we ask that you please honor that mission. That said, if there is a need you can fill then, please, take as many as you like. There is no limit and God has provided these in abundance.
Perspectives on Homelessness - Part 2
by John Chavez | February 3, 2011
Last time I wrote about the various categories of homeless, but glossed over those with substance issues. We also previously looked briefly at Ted Williams, the man with the Golden Voice who, after some sobriety and success, sank back into his addiction. Why do these people sink into that homeless "state of being?" As mentioned, this is a complex issue, with as many reasons as there are people on the street, but one thing tends to be true for this group: most suffered some kind of emotional trauma when they were children. We all suffered pain as children to one degree or another, and we all reacted differently to that pain. For some, what seems to have been a mild event, may have caused lasting damage. While others - who seemingly suffered tragic abuse - have come through and succeeded in unexpected ways. We cannot judge the impact of pain, we can only understand that pain causes people to respond in what are, at times, unhealthy ways.
Wiping away the pain with drugs and alcohol is one of the unhealthy approaches we see on the streets. The longer this substance abuse continues, the further from the problem these people tend to stray, the harder it becomes for them to deal with their pain. What we end up with is a host of ten year old children in adult bodies who are trying to navigate through a complex and dangerous world. This is an important concept to keep in mind. Have you encountered a homeless person who seemed altogether unreasonable? Ask yourself, 'how would I have managed similar circumstances at age ten?'
The road to recovery is long and difficult. To begin with a person abusing substances must first recognize what they are doing and agree to take what seems to be a very frightening step away from the substance that has allowed them to cope all of these years. I have been told many times that going through detox and getting free of a drug is simple. It is what comes next that is hard. Most of these people have been abandoned by every stable person who loved them in their past and the only friends they have are other addicts who are in no position to help them recover. On the contrary, they will drag the newly 'clean' person down. The only solution is to leave behind all of the people you know and start over.
Imagine that ten year old looking at the prospect of leaving behind everything they know without the support of the drug that has allowed them to cope. A few days into the process and they begin to get bored because they have no job and no life. The only thing they have worked at for years prior is getting to the next 'high' and that is taken from them too. The boredom becomes overwhelming and they relapse. To say this cycle is difficult to break free from is an understatement.
Perspectives on Homelessness - Part 1
by John Chavez | January 13, 2011
'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40)
There are many opinions and thoughts about the homeless. I hear complaints that they are lazy people who should just get a job. I hear from taxpayers that the homeless are simply a drain on society eating up our tax dollars. I hear they are disabled with a disease that is difficult to treat and that for whom successful treatment is a rarity.
So what is true? Are they lazy and deserving of our scorn or are they disabled and deserving of our compassion? Jesus gave us the very clear answer to that question in Matthew 25, but aside from it being our duty, why should we care? Haven't they made their own choices in life? Can't they lift themselves up and make a productive life? Many of us liked to party when we were younger, but we knew when it was time to stop. Why don't these people?
Homelessness is a complex issue and one that many people don't truly understand. "Homeless" only tells part of the story. I expect most have seen the story of Ted Williams, the man with the Golden Voice, who was recently rescued from homelessness. What we see on the news is the story of a down and out man who has been offered a home and a job but we need to go back to the beginning. Mr. Williams admits to struggling with drugs and alcohol and it was as a result of that struggle he lost his job and ended up on the streets.
So, the question is this; now that he has a home and a job, is he no longer homeless? The answer, unfortunately, is 'No.' Homelessness is a state of mind and NOT a state of being. We could call Mr. Williams a homeless man with a job and a place to live. Until Mr. Williams confronts the reasons he turned to drugs and alcohol, his state of mind has not changed, even if he has changed his state of being. Until his state of mind matches his new state of being, he will continue to be "homeless" regardless of where he sleeps.
We all wish this man a happy and productive future but the odds are against him as they are with most of the people we see on the street.